Getting back to basics
Absolutely love getting back to basics, like beginning at square 1 and to find out what holes are in the loop of being lost in trust. In the trenches, is where I feel that we grow as a human the most; only to crawl up the mountain side to see from the peak do we realize what we are made of in the inner core.
When I first brought Acute home August 25, 2015, exactly one month from when we said hello, she was the final key of unlocking me. I was a mess, physically, emotionally, and completely at a loss of what would it take for her to unwind and come into being a horse that would trust me day in and day out. There was moments I second guessed myself of understanding the glitches, the quirks, the uniqueness of her persona and IF there would be a day that she would glaze over again, become distant and forget our work, my greatest fear. See, I wanted a connection, she wanted to “just be.” I wanted to hear a nicker, she was silent. I wanted to fix her, she didn’t need fixing.
So the reality when it finally made sense after countless hours of having Acute be my teacher, like beyond what I could have fathomed, it boiled down to this:
- Acutes’ biggest FEAR would be I would glaze over again.
- I fought being connected, I preferred to “just be”
- I was silent, she wanted me to talk.
I needed to be fixed, she wanted me to let her fix.
For over 35 years, as I approach turning 40 next week ♥, I’ve come to notice, I prefer to run to have no feelings of being hurt, betrayed, disconnected, confused, and the list goes on. To glaze over has been my survival instinct, nothing different than Acute going through the motions of the daily workouts, the adrenaline to compete and longing to be loved. My heart strings have been torn to shreds and wounds have ran deep within my core only to find my world upside down in 2008 where I became heavily depressed with being overwhelmed in what Life was giving to me, so once again I glazed over. Thankfully I don’t believe in pharma or I’d be a recipe for disaster. I just would shut down, allow thoughts to run rampant and attempt to cope. I wish I could attest that my life has been all rosey colored glasses; however, far from it. I remember being told at age 13 from a counselor that my Mom had brought me to, “Lisa, you can’t save the world” which really gave fuel to my fire that I wouldn’t go through life without doing just that and in all of those years, I became lost. My identity was searching through muck just to have self-worth. My story in a nutshell has been to hell & back a few times over, only to now discover a learning lesson through it all.
Now in no way do I expect a “poor me card” because to be frank my ego really wouldn’t take it anyhow. I am only sharing to get out of comfort zone and show my transparency that very few of inner core friends have only seen and in all honesty it is part of growth.
When I’ve taken the time to really look at what I call my inner core of humans (typically horse humans), at least 90% would be classified in the extrovert world. I then really looked at this because I found it quite fascinating of: why? The balance of two hemispheres, the yin & yang, complimentary sides, loud & quiet, opposites attract, you get the idea. My bottom line, I LOVE the fly by the seat of the pants, the boisterous noise, the ping-pong effect, because this is what has been going on in my mind for as long as I can remember except I have lacked the connection of expression. It is like watching a free movie that I can sit back with and just giggle. Even my husband is more commonly viewed as being the extrovert between the two of us, he makes friends anywhere and comes back with the most interesting stories. He is transparent with me, sometimes our ego’s clash with one another, except I will say he has been there with me in this uncharted territory to open up, stop running and face my pandora’s box. He thought my horse world would be just a phase, he kicks himself for not taking me on a Harley ride, he has yet after 15 years to have a bike. He does now notice, that this phase is a part of whom I’ve become in learning, that if I could I’d have a horse in my living room.
I cherish my horses that nicker, kick up their heals when they are happy, swish their tail when I push a button, when I get the “look”, when I get a nuzzle in my hands with warm air breathed deep within their lungs, when I get a loop of my jeans ripped from teeth thinking that we are sharing in grooming, the impatient paw, the roll in the dirt right after a bath, the splashing in water on a trail ride, the snorting at which one gets dinner first; the crew of extroverts that have pushed me to show LOVE and have loved me even when my socks don’t match and my hair is a knotted mess. I’m also just as thankful for the moment of glazing over as a reminder that I need to be present.
My getting back to basics has to do with me, to find out what holes are in the loop of being lost in trust with myself. Some moments are easy, some moments I crawl, discovery has been interesting along the way. My why is: I do this for being a more solid human for horses that are willing to bring me into a connection, one that is all by inner core.
What is your WHY? What holes are in the loop of being lost in trust?
Meditate, get quiet, crawl if you need to and get to the peak.
All the Best in Health for you and your horses,
Lisa @ Bonito Cheval
Learn more about us here: www.bonitocheval.com
PS. Just a thank you to Angel, my soul sister, appreciate you for breaking me down, little did you know what my inner core was crying for in being found. Thank you for Loving me.