I absolutely LOVE stillness. When nothing in the daily routine matters. When life is just cresting and resting at the top of a mountain. Closing my eyes and hearing the birds calling to one another, our goats requesting alfalfa and a nuzzle in the back of my neck, this is the stillness I am referring to.
This past week has been tough, in 2008 we joined the majority of humans that went through changes when the economy made a turn in real estate, this time though a tornado out of nowhere hit our extended family. Where by the saving grace of coming home, I am grateful to my horses the past few days of just allowing me just to be in their space where I could feel stillness. Sense an ease that LIFE would all work out, as we now take what we can get on a recovery in moving forward. For the past several years we’ve been almost in a bubble when it has come to health and then my Dad hit the ground, massive heart blockage, now he is a proud owner of three stints in his heart.
In sharing this, it is astonishing of the ripple effects this event has caused. It was a space very foreign to me in walking into a room to see how he really was breathing as the machines worked for him. I walked into the same hospital where I remember the halls in pacing waiting for our daughter to arrive almost 24 years ago. The hospital hasn’t changed, it almost felt as if walking into a film. Watching and noticing the stillness around me, the beeping alarm of each machine, of neighbors going on a field trip around the hallways, tears, pain in the space both physically and emotionally and most importantly how to discover a stillness in the midst.
My mind would continue back to the field of being embraced with loving kindness, a friend in which I was able to break down to, where I felt protected from all of the happenings beyond my hands and to find the Love through all of it to embrace. To feel connection, to feel safe and to embrace the reality that right now I have to allow doctors to use their expertise in keeping watch. It is really nothing within my capabilities in ensuring he is regulated other than entrusting the team to care for his well-being. As I helped in doing craniosacral work on Thursday, there was subtle indicators that there was pain, pain that couldn’t be shared in words except the feelings of sadness. In the past six days it has been touchy, one moment he is balanced and in the next nano second there is 2 nurses rushing in to stabilize.
As part of my daily routine I do one journal worksheet a day, thinking it has been an average of eight every day this week. In inviting myself to work through the sadness, the fear of him leaving, the anger that he should have been to a doctor before last Monday and then I look at what is all this teaching as it ripples through our family. What is this present moment teaching my Dad, what is it teaching my sister, my brother, my Aunt and my Grandma… and how is this teaching me. The word that just kept finding it’s way to me was – stillness.
I use to have this way of doing things, where I’d shut down, have very little interaction to share my thought process with anyone as I made valiant attempts in working things out on my own, only to detach further from everyone around me and from understanding me. This time, I am swimming forward. Is it scary to say the least- YES, I won’t sugar coat this and in the exhale finding myself at ease. This week has been thought work, my horses have listened to my chatter over carrots and apples. Good God, I am grateful for LIFE.
Grateful for breathing, grateful for my heart beating… and grateful to share how there is beauty in the eyes of my horses seeing me. For today, share your heart in connecting and maybe share your heart again the next day in achieving balance in the midst of creation of stillness.
All the Best in Health to you and your horses,
Lisa @ Bonito Cheval