Went on a journey
Well Hello… long time since I’ve sat down to write, feels a very surreal night to just take this time to type away. It has been a whirlwind of a eight months as I feel that I have been on a ping-pong ball table. Expanding in completing further education to offer more value to my clients horses and to go through a journey that I haven’t quite experienced before.
I took a detour route in life to learn about how to connect with my horses in depth that at first was foreign soil to me, how to become an effective leader within my herd at home and how to grow in developing out of a clam shell to now.
Last year, I made two jaunts down to California, one in March for nine days of intensive learning and the second one in October for another nine days, similar course, and a completely different set of results. What I went to find was answers to questions that lingered in my mind, repeat circles that never subsided and in both of the journeys, there was about another 800+ additional humans from all over the world joining in same space. I went to discover the inner depths of fear and suffering, then to discover strength in working through painful moments in life. This was my fear… coming forward in taking a really close look.
This process has taken lots of work. Lots of willingness to break out of an introverted box that I found comfort in not having to speak my mind, making the choice to no longer being a doormat to others around me and to stop being my worst critic of never being good enough (whatever the hell that really means anyhow).
I had to break out of a stigma of seeking approval, had to find that I was OK when I opened up to my past and had to be OK if another person judged me because the reality is, my journey is where I discovered me.
My wounds of luggage that I carried through life as young as five, being a child of multiple divorces, a mother that left our family when I was 16, a survivor through domestic violence, making it through a divorce, being a single parent, to getting married again, to bring children into this world, to go through miscarriages, to go through pain of loosing a colt to colic, loosing a construction business and the pain to rebuild it again, facing the decision to let go of my mare 5 years ago by saying one last goodbye on March 6th and with many more hurdles that came through my journey….. I finally made it to that place of being OK. Through it all, I handed back lots of luggage that never belonged to me to begin with.
My horses have always seen me, in the present moment and I am humbled within an embrace and to be given another day to see these huge brown eyes looking back into me… thankfully they won’t know the human emotions associated with each piece of my luggage, they’ve seen me through the pain and each day they know I am there.
I am now standing in strength.
I am there for the comfort of a nicker that each one is alive with vibrancy.
I am there to listen, to hear, to respond if necessary.
I am there for the morning feedings, to pick out four feet, to brush out, to do their therapy work, to work together as one as each foot hits the ground in our schooling to give a bath and to watch each one roll as the bucking and snorting of pure happiness.. and once again to feed for our nightly routine. To begin this all over again.
This is my life. A life I chose, I life that I don’t want a “vacation” from…. a life that keeps me on solid ground. This is my balance. When I’m out of sorts, this is my go to.
When I feel lost or confused, Cherokee hears me out… Acute ensures that I am present…. Amber stands me upright… Tessa comes along side of me… Callie and Rene’ reassure me… Lily pushes me foward and finally Buddy allows me just to be there. I know of no other circle that completes me in such this way. My horses are my unwavering strength to care for four growing boys, taking care of my home, cooking, doing laundry and being a courageous wife.
When I wake up to mentor another warrior woman struggling in a moment of feeling defeat, like the world is toppling in- right there is where I can now get out of my box of being introverted to- hear her out… ensuring being present, standing her upright, coming along side of her, reassuring her everything will be ok, pushing her forward and then allowing the space to just be there. Gratefully my horses are the ones that I can go home to and share the stories of women that push through life obstacles based upon the lessons they’ve been willing to teach me.
I grasp a moment to run my hand through a mane, to feel the wiskers on a nose, to feel each muscle of my horses neck to linger in waiting for the sun to rise again…
This right here- humbly I am an equestrian woman at my core.
All the Best to you & your horses in Health-
Owner @ Bonito Cheval / Alpha Warrior Women